Approved by the Cancer.Net Editorial Board, 10/2015
Being a parent while living with cancer is often physically and emotionally exhausting. You may wonder how you can cope with a cancer diagnosis while caring for your family and yourself. Start by accepting help from others and reconsidering your schedule and to-do list. Asking for help when you need it allows you to spend less time worrying and more time enjoying your loved ones.
Get support from family and friends
If you have a spouse or partner, talk about how parenting responsibilities may need to shift during this time. And, express your appreciation for his or her support. Recognize that these added responsibilities can become overwhelming and may lead to frustration. Talk openly about each other’s limitations, and brainstorm possible solutions. Learn more about how to talk with your spouse or partner about cancer.
Other family members, friends, and neighbors may want to help but may not know how. Make a list of specific tasks you need help with. Tasks may include picking up your children from activities, arranging play dates for your children, walking the dog, grocery shopping, or making meals. When someone offers to help, choose a task from your list that suits the person. For example, ask a classmate’s mother to drive your child to school each day.
You may find it helpful to ask a friend or family member to coordinate these requests. Also, some online communities allow you to coordinate volunteer efforts through a shared calendar.
Seek community support
Your local community may offer resources to help you balance living with cancer and your family life:
- School guidance counselors can offer your children extra support. And after-school programs can be an option when you have a doctor’s appointment or need time for yourself.
- If you belong to a place of worship, ask about their support programs. Many religious institutions provide financial, physical, or emotional assistance that can help you focus on parenting. Many provide support to non-members as well.
- Charitable organizations in your community may provide everything from childcare and transportation to meals and financial assistance. Oncology social workers, case managers, and your doctor or oncology nurse can provide referrals. You can also use this list of general cancer organizations.
Ask your children for help
When a parent has cancer, children often feel powerless to change the circumstances. Asking your children to do chores around the house can help them feel like they are making a difference. But beware of creating unrealistic expectations for help around the house. This can add to the stress your child or teen is already feeling about your cancer diagnosis.
Consider the following tips when asking your children to help with chores:
- Explain that you are going to need some extra help and that everyone in the family needs to pitch in.
- Use a chart to help children and teens keep track of their chores. This will keep your expectations clear by establishing what tasks need to be completed and by when.
- Work together to complete bigger tasks. For example, to clean up after dinner, have one child clear the table, another load the dishwasher, and another put away the leftovers.
- Ask children to help each other. Teenagers and older children can help with car rides and homework. Younger children can help each other pick up toys or fold laundry.
- Build incentives into chores. For example, let your children pick their drink and dessert when they make their own school lunch.
- Let your child or teen know that you appreciate his or her help. Say thank you and offer rewards for jobs well done. Rewards may include a family movie night, an ice cream outing, or extra television time.
Remember that you cannot expect your children to be expert cleaners or to do their chores as carefully as you might. Accepting their best efforts will help keep them motivated.
Reevaluate your priorities
Most parents struggle to fit everything into their family’s schedule, even without the demands of cancer and cancer treatment. It is important to accept that you do not have the time or energy for everything. Make sure you are realistic about what you can and cannot do.
Consider making a list of all that needs to be done. This could include household chores, childcare, and tasks related to your cancer treatment. Then, decide which items are priorities for you and which items you can ask someone else to do or just leave undone. Track the family’s activities on a calendar displayed where everyone can see it. And then talk about the plans together at the beginning of each week or the night before each new day.
To make more time for each person’s priorities, consider the following:
- Take advantage of free and low-cost delivery services. For example, many grocery stores offer online shopping and home delivery. Other items that can be delivered to your home include prescriptions, household items, school supplies, and dry cleaning.
- Spend less time in the kitchen. If you enjoy cooking, try doubling recipes and freezing half to save for another meal. Or, keep your meals simple. For example, sandwiches or scrambled eggs can take the place of a more involved meal. In addition, take advantage of nutritious ready-to-eat and frozen foods available at many grocery stores.
- Instead of cleaning the whole house, focus on what matters most to you. This could include smaller tasks such as having the dishes done or the toys off the floor. If possible, hire someone to do a more complete cleaning once or twice a month.
- Reconsider your family’s schedule. If your children are involved in many activities, ask them to take a break from some. Or allow them to pick which activities they would like to continue. Emphasize that it is better to do fewer activities consistently than to do too many with irregular attendance and preparation.
- Reconsider your own activities and focus on one or two that are important to you. Do not commit to any new activities until you know you have the time and energy for them.
Many times a parent living with cancer feels like he or she has to pack more love and fun into every day because the future is uncertain. This puts a lot of unnecessary stress and pressure on both you and your family. Trying to overfill your time together is often tiring for everyone. And, it may end up doing the opposite of what you want. Instead, think about choosing smaller, more manageable activities to ensure quality time with your family.
Care for yourself
With all the demands on your time, it can be easy to overlook your own needs. Make taking care of yourself a priority so you can care for your family the way you would like. If you find yourself struggling with issues such as fatigue, nausea, pain, or depression, talk with your doctor or nurse about ways to manage them. You can also ask an oncology social worker about ways to connect with others who are experiencing similar situations, either by joining a support group or finding a support buddy.
Try to find time to do something you enjoy, such as meeting with friends or seeing a movie. Do not feel guilty about taking time for yourself when the laundry is not finished or when your child wants a ride to a friend’s house. Time spent resting and doing activities you enjoy helps restore your energy, giving you the strength you need to invest in your family.